Dougma

Pat Robertson was recently taken to task in the media for making this statement:

"They have said in the Quran there's a war against all the infidels… Do you want somebody like that sitting as a judge? I wouldn't."

In other words, Muslims shouldn’t be allowed to serve as judges. Well, what reasonable person could disagree with that? I certainly can’t. As a matter of fact, I find his sentiments a little tepid. If you ask me, he doesn’t go far enough. Let’s face it - anyone who isn’t a card-carrying Conservative Christian should be out of the running not only for judgeships, but for political office of any kind. I know you all want to be polite and politically correct, and I appreciate your consideration, but lets be frank. Anyone who is not a One-Hundred-Percent Bona-Fide Born-Again is going straight to hell, and they know it. This alone makes their judgment pretty much worthless. I mean, do you really want to have Senators and School Superintendents who are just here marking time on their way to Eternal Torment?

That ought to be enough to end all debate right there, but for the sake of thoroughness I’ll go through the motions one more time. Here’s why only Born Again Fundamentalist Christians should be allowed to hold political office.

First of all, it is a well-known fact that Born-Again Christians are incapable of lying. The evidence supporting this claim is irrefutable. Look at George Bush and the lead up to the Iraq War. Look at Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggart and Oral Roberts. Look at Tom Delay and William Bennet. The list is pretty much endless. Did I mention Reverend Moon?

In the second place, only true Born-Agains are truly rational, as only true Born-Agains receive their marching orders from God. Seriously, would you lend your car to someone who didn’t have daily conversations with the deity? I for one certainly wouldn’t. To be honest, I can’t imagine trusting anyone who lacks a personal hotline to the lord. And I wouldn’t let anyone less than a catholic priest baby-sit my kids, let alone sit on the school board. Let’s not shrink from the truth: where in God’s name would we be now, were it not for Popes, Inquisitors, Crusaders Witch-burners and Televangelists?

As if you need any more reason to agree with me, my third point is this: only Christians are capable of meting out God’s justice, which is something this country has sorely lacked for a long, long while. Isn’t it time we brought back the time-honored traditions of eye-plucking, amputation, stoning, enslavement and – could anything be more obvious - crucifixion? The problem we have now is that liberals, humanists and other Satanists all wimp out when it comes time to mete out true justice. Adulterers, rather than being subjected to the slow, agonizing death they deserve, are simply given divorces! What’s up with that?

I’d say anyone who still disagrees with me at this point should have their head examined. Excuse me? What’s that? How can we be sure a person is a Bona-Fide, One-Hundred-Percent, Hot-Line-to-God Conservative Christian? Oh ye of little faith – there is a simple, time-honored test: Satan’s minions, when tied to a heavy rock and thrown into deep water, invariably float. The righteous do not. Ten minutes under water should be enough to qualify candidates for every level of public office.