Saturday, April 23, 2005
The Right To Bear Arms
By Cody Bunton
Civics 101, Mr. Teller
I support a strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution. That’s why I also support the right of every citizen of the United States to carry a muzzle-loading flintlock rifle, as the founding fathers intended. That’s what the founding fathers meant when they said “arms,” and its what I mean too. Back then people had muzzle-loaders and blunderbusses, pretty much. So every citizen of the United States has an inalienable right to carry a muzzle-loading flintlock rifle, or a blunderbuss. That is what the Constitution says. Well, it doesn’t actually say those exact words, but that’s what it says, actually. Oh, people can also keep and bear swords and knives and stuff.
Now, some people think the Constitution is a living document. People who say that are mostly hippies and protesters. I say people who think the Constitution is a living document should be sent into exile. To someplace like… like… hell, like Canada, I don’t know. Speaking of exile, I was just reading about the Constitution in exile movement. Now there is a very thought-provoking idea! I wonder who thought of it? It is weird, though, since if the Constitution is in exile, that means its somehow alive, since inanimate objects can’t be exiled. Except I said before that it can’t be living, so I guess maybe they’re wrong about it being in exile. Unless I’m wrong. Wow. I can’t seem to get my head around that. Whatever.
Anyway, now that I’ve been thinking more about this subject, what I said before about the muzzle-loading flint-lock rifles, blunderbusses and the like - I take that back. I don’t think that was the original intent. In the first place, those kinds of guns suck. In the second place, when they said “arms,” what they meant was “weapons,” generally. So I actually support the right of every citizen of the United States to carry a bazooka, machine gun, rocket launcher or Howitzer. In fact, as long as the right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, people should be able to keep and bear whatever the hell they want. I mean come on – nuclear weapons don’t kill people, people do. So like I said, I support a strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution.
Now, about that “well-regulated militia” business. The founding fathers just meant the Army when they said that. They just wanted to add a little official tone to their words. I mean, if they had just come right out and said what they really meant – you know, how every man, woman and child in the United States has a God-given right to drive a tank and carry concealed hand grenades at all times – well, that would have sounded a bit too enticing, like living in the USA was just going to be all fun and no work, what with everyone shooting the place up all the time. That’s why they stuck in the “well-regulated militia” language.
So we see how it is very important to stick to a strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution, since if you don’t you will have to sit around listening to hippies and protesters try and take away your rights.
Civics 101, Mr. Teller
I support a strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution. That’s why I also support the right of every citizen of the United States to carry a muzzle-loading flintlock rifle, as the founding fathers intended. That’s what the founding fathers meant when they said “arms,” and its what I mean too. Back then people had muzzle-loaders and blunderbusses, pretty much. So every citizen of the United States has an inalienable right to carry a muzzle-loading flintlock rifle, or a blunderbuss. That is what the Constitution says. Well, it doesn’t actually say those exact words, but that’s what it says, actually. Oh, people can also keep and bear swords and knives and stuff.
Now, some people think the Constitution is a living document. People who say that are mostly hippies and protesters. I say people who think the Constitution is a living document should be sent into exile. To someplace like… like… hell, like Canada, I don’t know. Speaking of exile, I was just reading about the Constitution in exile movement. Now there is a very thought-provoking idea! I wonder who thought of it? It is weird, though, since if the Constitution is in exile, that means its somehow alive, since inanimate objects can’t be exiled. Except I said before that it can’t be living, so I guess maybe they’re wrong about it being in exile. Unless I’m wrong. Wow. I can’t seem to get my head around that. Whatever.
Anyway, now that I’ve been thinking more about this subject, what I said before about the muzzle-loading flint-lock rifles, blunderbusses and the like - I take that back. I don’t think that was the original intent. In the first place, those kinds of guns suck. In the second place, when they said “arms,” what they meant was “weapons,” generally. So I actually support the right of every citizen of the United States to carry a bazooka, machine gun, rocket launcher or Howitzer. In fact, as long as the right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, people should be able to keep and bear whatever the hell they want. I mean come on – nuclear weapons don’t kill people, people do. So like I said, I support a strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution.
Now, about that “well-regulated militia” business. The founding fathers just meant the Army when they said that. They just wanted to add a little official tone to their words. I mean, if they had just come right out and said what they really meant – you know, how every man, woman and child in the United States has a God-given right to drive a tank and carry concealed hand grenades at all times – well, that would have sounded a bit too enticing, like living in the USA was just going to be all fun and no work, what with everyone shooting the place up all the time. That’s why they stuck in the “well-regulated militia” language.
So we see how it is very important to stick to a strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution, since if you don’t you will have to sit around listening to hippies and protesters try and take away your rights.
