Dougma

If you find yourself sitting away from the television for abnormally long periods of time, absorbed in books or quiet reflection, you may be suffering from Hyperconcentritis Vulgaris, a disease that affects around ten percent of the population. Fortunately, there is help. Perplexitor, a new drug from Merck, helps break through spells of Hyperconcentritis Vulgaris, restoring your natural balance of television watching and snacking. Because life is too short to be lost in thought, ask your doctor about Perplexitor. Users of Perplexitor may experience headaches, nausea, diarrhea, lethargy, apathy and episodes of sudden, unprovoked rage.

Many people these days feel listless, lacking energy in their daily lives. This can be frustrating, and may lead to angry tirades with no apparent cause. Sometimes these symptoms are compounded by an inability to experience the joy of shopping. If this sounds all too familiar to you, you may have a condition known as Ludicrous Apathic Consumerosis, or LAC®. Studies have shown that up to eighty three percent of Americans now suffer – or feel they suffer - from LAC®. Thankfully, there is a treatment. Reklaspend, a new product from Eli Lily, will get you back in the SUV and over to the mall with scarcely a blip on your blood pressure monitor. Tell your doctor to prescribe Reklaspend for you today. Reklaspend - you can keep getting things. Side effects may include headaches, nausea, diarrhea, insomnia, irrational fear, hostility to civil government, and an irresistible urge to demonize perceived enemies . LAC is a registered trademark of Eli Lily, Inc.

There are times when this modern world overwhelms us, and leaves us feeling insecure. What if the terrorists come to Jenny’s soccer match? What if elite judges who disagree with Dr. Dobson enact their gay agenda? What if immigrants take away Bill’s job? What if the secular humanists succeed in teaching science to my children? If you find yourself lying awake at night, unable to drive such questions from your mind, you may be suffering from Delusional Fundamentalitis, a disease that seems to have completely taken over the lives of at least twenty percent of Americans. Blessedly, there is a treatment. Religiban, a recently approved medicine from Wyeth Labs, promises to help victims of Delusional Fundamentalitis get right with their neighbors and former friends. Insist that your doctor prescribe Religiban today. People who take Religiban often experience headaches, nausea, diarrhea, dizziness, inability to concentrate and late-onset sex addiction.

Do you find yourself returning again and again throughout the day to inappropriate thoughts and desires? Have you made comments of a personal nature to co-workers that you came to regret? If so, you may be suffering from Suburbic Zomboid Priapism Disease (patent pending), a malady that afflicts nearly all men. A related condition, Mini-van Nymphosis Disease (patent pending) affects a smaller number of women. Victims of both diseases have shown dramatic improvements when treated with Limpitor, a soon-to-be-approved drug from Astra Zeneca, makers of Woezac. Limpitor gives you your life back, eliminating embarrassing mid-day bulges and helping you to concentrate on the things that really matter. Demand that your doctor give you a sample of Limpitor today. People who take Limpitor may experience headaches, nausea, diarrhea and severe withdrawal, should they choose to stop taking it. Those who stay with their treatment may want to consider taking up a hobby such as reading or meditation. In rare cases, activities like this can become obsessional. Fortunately, for this there is Perplexitor.