Dougma

Due to a malfunctioning traffic light in the parking area of the Sunshine Meadows Family Worship Campus, I was recently obligated to leave the Escalade at the body shop for a day. Under such circumstances I would normally take a cab to the office, but on this particular occasion I decided to commune with the many and ride into town on our public transportation. As it turned out, my trip happened to coincide with the morning rush of youngsters on their way to school. Frankly, I was shocked by what I saw and heard. The vulgarity spewed from the mouths of these children was appalling. The relentless noise emanating from the earphones of the churlish boy slouching beside me made it impossible to read more than a few sentences of my new copy of Left Behind, which I had been hoping to finally start in on. The young men who were not threatening were lewd, and the girls for the most part dressed – if one could call it that - like prostitutes. These children, instead of being taught right from wrong, have clearly been indoctrinated into a world of "whatever, dude" morality; they are better prepared to espouse the relative merits of a gangsta over a thug than they are to dress prudently, reflect quietly or treat their elders with a modicum of civility. So where are the youth of America learning these behaviors? The answer is obvious: in school.

I think reasonable people of all political persuasions, even Democrats, can agree that to allow this disastrous state of affairs to continue is not an option. Something must be done about the deplorable state of our children's education.

Many believe that the issue at the heart of this condition is the teaching of evolution. This view, while taken with the best of intentions, is mistaken. Evolution, while clearly a wrong-headed shibboleth of the left, is not the threat many of us would believe. Why is this? The reason is simple. Evolution is a highly abstract notion. It is asserted by Professors, Ph.D.s and other elites, yet it is not something that can be readily observed in everyday life (even if it were true). While this lends it a certain exotic appeal, it is also its Achilles heel: no one really believes it anyway. Who hasn’t wondered why, after millions of years, not a single talking chimp has “evolved”?

But if the teaching of evolution is not the root of our problem, what is? To find out, we must understand what links the profligacy of our youth to their educational experience. The first issue is the teaching of relativism.

Relativism is an extremist ideology that denies the existence of absolutes, favoring instead the application of common sense. It says that right and wrong, rather than being fixed for all time in divinely inspired scripture, can be determined by human beings using their brains. This kind of radical fanaticism is directly tied to the second issue, which is the emphasis in schools on “rational inquiry.” Not surprisingly, rational inquiry is a process invented partly in France and partly in the Soviet Union, which claims to produce reliable information, sometimes referred to by those on the left as “facts.” In fact, the use of the term “fact” represents a Stalinist bias favoring the notion of human discovery over that of Divine Revelation. This obscures the fact that nearly every advance in human history, from the dinosaur saddle to the online church, has been a result of one or another form of faith-based initiative.

Taken alone, the promotion of either relativism or rational inquiry would be a serious problem. Apply them to the one particular subject taught in every school which, unlike evolution, is a part of every student’s concrete daily experience, and you have something truly subversive: relativistic subject matter leading to rational conclusions supported by facts and confirmed by reality. The subject in question is, of course, Gravitation.

Allow me to explain. The standard model of gravitation, as it is currently "understood" is the result of a "warping of space-time." Scientists, few of whom can actually perform the bizarre mathematics required to bolster this theory - and it is just a theory - almost universally laud it as the truth. Almost, but not quite. For one thing, this attempt to explain gravitation suffers from an inability to account for the raising of the virtuous during the Rapture – a glaring flaw if ever there was one. It must also answer to numerous alternative theories, of which Orwellian Funnel Gravitation, Pecuniary Magnetism and Dimm-Bulbian Enthrallment are but a few. Suffice to say, the presentation of the standard model as fact is problematic at best.

But all this is rather beside the point. The real problem is that the standard model of gravitation is both relativistic and rational, and that it is based on the theories of Albert Einstein, the originator of the theory of relativity. No single individual in the last hundred years has done more damage to the cause of Moral Truth and Divine Authority than Albert Einstein. I would go so far as to say that all the ills from which America now suffers can be traced to the teaching of his wicked little theory. It states that the universe we live in is a relativistic one - that gravitation, the very force which holds us fast to God's earth, is a relativistic force. It states, in short, that we live in a relativistic world: nothing really matters. How can a child growing up surrounded by a gravitation of this kind truly learn right from wrong?

Clearly, a theory of Christian Gravitation is needed.

What exactly is Christian Gravitation? In a nutshell, Christian Gravitation is an inverse Rapture-force implied by the gathering-together of the waters under the heaven unto one place on the third day of creation. It is a highly scientific theory containing several mathematical equations, all scripturally derived, and many large numbers. (As it happens, this author has written a textbook on the subject, which goes into considerable detail, and will soon be available for purchase. Notably, the State of Kansas is presently considering adopting it for use in its public schools. Readers interested in learning more may contact the author directly to obtain a copy of the book).

The teaching of Christian Gravitation will do much to advance the moral state of our nation. Over time, it will provide a much-needed antidote to relativism in all its forms. It will serve to counter the false objectivity worshipped by left-wing science. It will help to eliminate the scourges of so-called “rational inquiry”, “verification” and “evidence” while at the same time promoting teacher-mediated divinely-guided inquiry as the basis for our children’s worldview. Christian Gravitation is also simpler to explain than Einstein's horrid theories, which makes it – thank heaven - more accessible to students. It should have the additional benefit of helping to reduce the excessive cost of training Teachers, and the burdensome taxation that always accompanies such wasteful ventures.

Now, on a practical level, the left, and their allies in academia, the liberal media and Hollywood, would certainly oppose the teaching of Christian Gravitation, if so named. They would likely also object to the teaching of "Divine Attraction". It might, therefore, be necessary to present our topic as simply Attractionism, an Alternative Theory of Gravitation. This would help to overcome the usual reactions against all things Godly, as well as benefiting from the use of term “alternative”, which is popular these days, especially with the young. (It is also the title of my book).

It is, therefore, with great hope and optimism that I humbly suggest that churches, school boards and legislatures across the country embrace the teaching of Christian Gravitation, or Attractionism, as I soon hope it to be widely known. There is much work to be done, and no time to lose.