Dougma

The feral toad is, on average, five foot ten inches tall. For unknown reasons, males outnumber females about ten to one. Like most toads, they tend to be round and quite soft, although this is certainly not always the case. Needless to say, feral toads are cold-blooded. Some have a kind of camouflage designed to make them blend in with their surroundings. Others have a garish orange coloration which scientists theorize is intended to help them attract toads of the opposite sex. Feral toads are often seen roaming in rural areas with loaded weapons, hunting for cats, doves and other similarly vicious creatures. A truly invasive species, the feral toad can be found in places as diverse as cities, suburbs and state legislatures. The feral toad’s most common mode of transport is the pickup truck or sport utility vehicle. Frequently this vehicle will be decorated with stickers directing the viewer to “Fear This” or “Eat My Dust.” While this may seem like harmless bravado on the part of the toad, it is advised that you keep your distance if you encounter one. As mentioned earlier, feral toads are often armed, have extremely small brains and are easily angered, making them highly dangerous. Whatever you do, do not ridicule them. They really hate it.

Ordinary citizens should take measures to protect themselves from feral toads. Still, it is often difficult to recognize them. While there is no sure way to tell that you are in the presence of a toad, or if one is living in your neighborhood, here are a few pieces of information that should be helpful:

• A feral toad is defined as one with no identification collar that fails to show friendly behavior.

• If you see a man wearing an NRA baseball hat professing a deep concern for the plight of songbirds, he is in all likelihood a feral toad.

• If Fluffy the cat escapes from the house and is never heard from again, there is a good chance he has fallen victim to a feral toad lurking in the area.

In any case, if you believe there are feral toads living near you, be sure to notify the local police or the DNR. In spite of the near total lack of charm or appeal on the part of these toads, do not shoot them. The safest and most humane way to avoid future toad problems is to have them neutered or spayed so that they do not reproduce.