Dougma

I would like to take a moment to respond to some recent reader correspondence. The first letter comes from an anonymous - but genuine - follower of Jesus Christ:

May the Grace and Mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ truly abound in your life, Doug.

From a genuine follower of Jesus Christ, the Resurrected Savior and Lord above all. He is alive. He's coming back. He loves you. Seek Him while you can because today is all you have. Read a Bible for yourself. And please - don't judge the doctrines of the Bible by the many abuses of that doctrine. Go straight to the source.
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Be on guard - Jesus said that the days before His return would be marked by wordwide deception in His name. In some small way, your own article hints at that - there are many who call themselves by the name christian who neither know Jesus nor honor Him as Lord. Sadly, most of what is considered the "visible" christian church today, has abandoned Jesus Christ for a false gospel of "self".

Reader, a healthy chunk of the case against organized religion is built right into your letter: there are many who call themselves by the name christian who neither know Jesus nor honor Him as Lord. Its as simple as this: how do you know who is who? How can you tell the true believers from the imposters? How can you tell the ordinary people from the terrorists? Sadly, you can’t. Is George Bush really a genuine follower of Jesus Christ, or is he following a false gospel? More importantly, is this the sort of question we should be discussing in the 21st century?

I have no issue with your personal religious convictions. Go ahead and worship whomever you like. But would you be so kind as to admit that your beliefs are simply things you hope to be true, and that there as many sets of things hoped to be true as there are people in the world? Would you be so kind as to spend a few minutes each day pondering the possibility that your beliefs may be wrong? And when we sit down to discuss what sorts of laws we will make, what sort of society we want to live in, would it be too much for me to ask that you stick to the facts? I know – it probably is too much to ask. I’m asking anyway.

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I received this thoughtful critique from another anonymous reader:

These articles are ridiculous! It isn't Satire to just write an article taking a certain point of view and then saying it is funny because you don't actually feel that way. I would expect your next article to be from the point of view of a Pro-Life supporter, talking about the sanctity of life and justifying the killing of abortion clinic workers to save lives, and then we will all laugh because we know you aren't actually serious!

Reader, these articles are indeed ridiculous. You have seen through my disguise: I do not actually condone the teaching of Christian gravitation.

You have taken a few moments of your time to tell me that my articles are not true satire. Please take a few more minutes and write me again, and tell me what would make them into satire. Help me out.

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I received this keen insight from yet another anonymous reader:

God, please have mercy on this moron.

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I would like to personally thank all of you for your comments and suggestions. I can assure you they will be given due consideration.

Pat Robertson was recently taken to task in the media for making this statement:

"They have said in the Quran there's a war against all the infidels… Do you want somebody like that sitting as a judge? I wouldn't."

In other words, Muslims shouldn’t be allowed to serve as judges. Well, what reasonable person could disagree with that? I certainly can’t. As a matter of fact, I find his sentiments a little tepid. If you ask me, he doesn’t go far enough. Let’s face it - anyone who isn’t a card-carrying Conservative Christian should be out of the running not only for judgeships, but for political office of any kind. I know you all want to be polite and politically correct, and I appreciate your consideration, but lets be frank. Anyone who is not a One-Hundred-Percent Bona-Fide Born-Again is going straight to hell, and they know it. This alone makes their judgment pretty much worthless. I mean, do you really want to have Senators and School Superintendents who are just here marking time on their way to Eternal Torment?

That ought to be enough to end all debate right there, but for the sake of thoroughness I’ll go through the motions one more time. Here’s why only Born Again Fundamentalist Christians should be allowed to hold political office.

First of all, it is a well-known fact that Born-Again Christians are incapable of lying. The evidence supporting this claim is irrefutable. Look at George Bush and the lead up to the Iraq War. Look at Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggart and Oral Roberts. Look at Tom Delay and William Bennet. The list is pretty much endless. Did I mention Reverend Moon?

In the second place, only true Born-Agains are truly rational, as only true Born-Agains receive their marching orders from God. Seriously, would you lend your car to someone who didn’t have daily conversations with the deity? I for one certainly wouldn’t. To be honest, I can’t imagine trusting anyone who lacks a personal hotline to the lord. And I wouldn’t let anyone less than a catholic priest baby-sit my kids, let alone sit on the school board. Let’s not shrink from the truth: where in God’s name would we be now, were it not for Popes, Inquisitors, Crusaders Witch-burners and Televangelists?

As if you need any more reason to agree with me, my third point is this: only Christians are capable of meting out God’s justice, which is something this country has sorely lacked for a long, long while. Isn’t it time we brought back the time-honored traditions of eye-plucking, amputation, stoning, enslavement and – could anything be more obvious - crucifixion? The problem we have now is that liberals, humanists and other Satanists all wimp out when it comes time to mete out true justice. Adulterers, rather than being subjected to the slow, agonizing death they deserve, are simply given divorces! What’s up with that?

I’d say anyone who still disagrees with me at this point should have their head examined. Excuse me? What’s that? How can we be sure a person is a Bona-Fide, One-Hundred-Percent, Hot-Line-to-God Conservative Christian? Oh ye of little faith – there is a simple, time-honored test: Satan’s minions, when tied to a heavy rock and thrown into deep water, invariably float. The righteous do not. Ten minutes under water should be enough to qualify candidates for every level of public office.

If you find yourself sitting away from the television for abnormally long periods of time, absorbed in books or quiet reflection, you may be suffering from Hyperconcentritis Vulgaris, a disease that affects around ten percent of the population. Fortunately, there is help. Perplexitor, a new drug from Merck, helps break through spells of Hyperconcentritis Vulgaris, restoring your natural balance of television watching and snacking. Because life is too short to be lost in thought, ask your doctor about Perplexitor. Users of Perplexitor may experience headaches, nausea, diarrhea, lethargy, apathy and episodes of sudden, unprovoked rage.

Many people these days feel listless, lacking energy in their daily lives. This can be frustrating, and may lead to angry tirades with no apparent cause. Sometimes these symptoms are compounded by an inability to experience the joy of shopping. If this sounds all too familiar to you, you may have a condition known as Ludicrous Apathic Consumerosis, or LAC®. Studies have shown that up to eighty three percent of Americans now suffer – or feel they suffer - from LAC®. Thankfully, there is a treatment. Reklaspend, a new product from Eli Lily, will get you back in the SUV and over to the mall with scarcely a blip on your blood pressure monitor. Tell your doctor to prescribe Reklaspend for you today. Reklaspend - you can keep getting things. Side effects may include headaches, nausea, diarrhea, insomnia, irrational fear, hostility to civil government, and an irresistible urge to demonize perceived enemies . LAC is a registered trademark of Eli Lily, Inc.

There are times when this modern world overwhelms us, and leaves us feeling insecure. What if the terrorists come to Jenny’s soccer match? What if elite judges who disagree with Dr. Dobson enact their gay agenda? What if immigrants take away Bill’s job? What if the secular humanists succeed in teaching science to my children? If you find yourself lying awake at night, unable to drive such questions from your mind, you may be suffering from Delusional Fundamentalitis, a disease that seems to have completely taken over the lives of at least twenty percent of Americans. Blessedly, there is a treatment. Religiban, a recently approved medicine from Wyeth Labs, promises to help victims of Delusional Fundamentalitis get right with their neighbors and former friends. Insist that your doctor prescribe Religiban today. People who take Religiban often experience headaches, nausea, diarrhea, dizziness, inability to concentrate and late-onset sex addiction.

Do you find yourself returning again and again throughout the day to inappropriate thoughts and desires? Have you made comments of a personal nature to co-workers that you came to regret? If so, you may be suffering from Suburbic Zomboid Priapism Disease (patent pending), a malady that afflicts nearly all men. A related condition, Mini-van Nymphosis Disease (patent pending) affects a smaller number of women. Victims of both diseases have shown dramatic improvements when treated with Limpitor, a soon-to-be-approved drug from Astra Zeneca, makers of Woezac. Limpitor gives you your life back, eliminating embarrassing mid-day bulges and helping you to concentrate on the things that really matter. Demand that your doctor give you a sample of Limpitor today. People who take Limpitor may experience headaches, nausea, diarrhea and severe withdrawal, should they choose to stop taking it. Those who stay with their treatment may want to consider taking up a hobby such as reading or meditation. In rare cases, activities like this can become obsessional. Fortunately, for this there is Perplexitor.

By Cody Bunton
Civics 101, Mr. Teller

I support a strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution. That’s why I also support the right of every citizen of the United States to carry a muzzle-loading flintlock rifle, as the founding fathers intended. That’s what the founding fathers meant when they said “arms,” and its what I mean too. Back then people had muzzle-loaders and blunderbusses, pretty much. So every citizen of the United States has an inalienable right to carry a muzzle-loading flintlock rifle, or a blunderbuss. That is what the Constitution says. Well, it doesn’t actually say those exact words, but that’s what it says, actually. Oh, people can also keep and bear swords and knives and stuff.

Now, some people think the Constitution is a living document. People who say that are mostly hippies and protesters. I say people who think the Constitution is a living document should be sent into exile. To someplace like… like… hell, like Canada, I don’t know. Speaking of exile, I was just reading about the Constitution in exile movement. Now there is a very thought-provoking idea! I wonder who thought of it? It is weird, though, since if the Constitution is in exile, that means its somehow alive, since inanimate objects can’t be exiled. Except I said before that it can’t be living, so I guess maybe they’re wrong about it being in exile. Unless I’m wrong. Wow. I can’t seem to get my head around that. Whatever.

Anyway, now that I’ve been thinking more about this subject, what I said before about the muzzle-loading flint-lock rifles, blunderbusses and the like - I take that back. I don’t think that was the original intent. In the first place, those kinds of guns suck. In the second place, when they said “arms,” what they meant was “weapons,” generally. So I actually support the right of every citizen of the United States to carry a bazooka, machine gun, rocket launcher or Howitzer. In fact, as long as the right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, people should be able to keep and bear whatever the hell they want. I mean come on – nuclear weapons don’t kill people, people do. So like I said, I support a strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution.

Now, about that “well-regulated militia” business. The founding fathers just meant the Army when they said that. They just wanted to add a little official tone to their words. I mean, if they had just come right out and said what they really meant – you know, how every man, woman and child in the United States has a God-given right to drive a tank and carry concealed hand grenades at all times – well, that would have sounded a bit too enticing, like living in the USA was just going to be all fun and no work, what with everyone shooting the place up all the time. That’s why they stuck in the “well-regulated militia” language.

So we see how it is very important to stick to a strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution, since if you don’t you will have to sit around listening to hippies and protesters try and take away your rights.

Due to a malfunctioning traffic light in the parking area of the Sunshine Meadows Family Worship Campus, I was recently obligated to leave the Escalade at the body shop for a day. Under such circumstances I would normally take a cab to the office, but on this particular occasion I decided to commune with the many and ride into town on our public transportation. As it turned out, my trip happened to coincide with the morning rush of youngsters on their way to school. Frankly, I was shocked by what I saw and heard. The vulgarity spewed from the mouths of these children was appalling. The relentless noise emanating from the earphones of the churlish boy slouching beside me made it impossible to read more than a few sentences of my new copy of Left Behind, which I had been hoping to finally start in on. The young men who were not threatening were lewd, and the girls for the most part dressed – if one could call it that - like prostitutes. These children, instead of being taught right from wrong, have clearly been indoctrinated into a world of "whatever, dude" morality; they are better prepared to espouse the relative merits of a gangsta over a thug than they are to dress prudently, reflect quietly or treat their elders with a modicum of civility. So where are the youth of America learning these behaviors? The answer is obvious: in school.

I think reasonable people of all political persuasions, even Democrats, can agree that to allow this disastrous state of affairs to continue is not an option. Something must be done about the deplorable state of our children's education.

Many believe that the issue at the heart of this condition is the teaching of evolution. This view, while taken with the best of intentions, is mistaken. Evolution, while clearly a wrong-headed shibboleth of the left, is not the threat many of us would believe. Why is this? The reason is simple. Evolution is a highly abstract notion. It is asserted by Professors, Ph.D.s and other elites, yet it is not something that can be readily observed in everyday life (even if it were true). While this lends it a certain exotic appeal, it is also its Achilles heel: no one really believes it anyway. Who hasn’t wondered why, after millions of years, not a single talking chimp has “evolved”?

But if the teaching of evolution is not the root of our problem, what is? To find out, we must understand what links the profligacy of our youth to their educational experience. The first issue is the teaching of relativism.

Relativism is an extremist ideology that denies the existence of absolutes, favoring instead the application of common sense. It says that right and wrong, rather than being fixed for all time in divinely inspired scripture, can be determined by human beings using their brains. This kind of radical fanaticism is directly tied to the second issue, which is the emphasis in schools on “rational inquiry.” Not surprisingly, rational inquiry is a process invented partly in France and partly in the Soviet Union, which claims to produce reliable information, sometimes referred to by those on the left as “facts.” In fact, the use of the term “fact” represents a Stalinist bias favoring the notion of human discovery over that of Divine Revelation. This obscures the fact that nearly every advance in human history, from the dinosaur saddle to the online church, has been a result of one or another form of faith-based initiative.

Taken alone, the promotion of either relativism or rational inquiry would be a serious problem. Apply them to the one particular subject taught in every school which, unlike evolution, is a part of every student’s concrete daily experience, and you have something truly subversive: relativistic subject matter leading to rational conclusions supported by facts and confirmed by reality. The subject in question is, of course, Gravitation.

Allow me to explain. The standard model of gravitation, as it is currently "understood" is the result of a "warping of space-time." Scientists, few of whom can actually perform the bizarre mathematics required to bolster this theory - and it is just a theory - almost universally laud it as the truth. Almost, but not quite. For one thing, this attempt to explain gravitation suffers from an inability to account for the raising of the virtuous during the Rapture – a glaring flaw if ever there was one. It must also answer to numerous alternative theories, of which Orwellian Funnel Gravitation, Pecuniary Magnetism and Dimm-Bulbian Enthrallment are but a few. Suffice to say, the presentation of the standard model as fact is problematic at best.

But all this is rather beside the point. The real problem is that the standard model of gravitation is both relativistic and rational, and that it is based on the theories of Albert Einstein, the originator of the theory of relativity. No single individual in the last hundred years has done more damage to the cause of Moral Truth and Divine Authority than Albert Einstein. I would go so far as to say that all the ills from which America now suffers can be traced to the teaching of his wicked little theory. It states that the universe we live in is a relativistic one - that gravitation, the very force which holds us fast to God's earth, is a relativistic force. It states, in short, that we live in a relativistic world: nothing really matters. How can a child growing up surrounded by a gravitation of this kind truly learn right from wrong?

Clearly, a theory of Christian Gravitation is needed.

What exactly is Christian Gravitation? In a nutshell, Christian Gravitation is an inverse Rapture-force implied by the gathering-together of the waters under the heaven unto one place on the third day of creation. It is a highly scientific theory containing several mathematical equations, all scripturally derived, and many large numbers. (As it happens, this author has written a textbook on the subject, which goes into considerable detail, and will soon be available for purchase. Notably, the State of Kansas is presently considering adopting it for use in its public schools. Readers interested in learning more may contact the author directly to obtain a copy of the book).

The teaching of Christian Gravitation will do much to advance the moral state of our nation. Over time, it will provide a much-needed antidote to relativism in all its forms. It will serve to counter the false objectivity worshipped by left-wing science. It will help to eliminate the scourges of so-called “rational inquiry”, “verification” and “evidence” while at the same time promoting teacher-mediated divinely-guided inquiry as the basis for our children’s worldview. Christian Gravitation is also simpler to explain than Einstein's horrid theories, which makes it – thank heaven - more accessible to students. It should have the additional benefit of helping to reduce the excessive cost of training Teachers, and the burdensome taxation that always accompanies such wasteful ventures.

Now, on a practical level, the left, and their allies in academia, the liberal media and Hollywood, would certainly oppose the teaching of Christian Gravitation, if so named. They would likely also object to the teaching of "Divine Attraction". It might, therefore, be necessary to present our topic as simply Attractionism, an Alternative Theory of Gravitation. This would help to overcome the usual reactions against all things Godly, as well as benefiting from the use of term “alternative”, which is popular these days, especially with the young. (It is also the title of my book).

It is, therefore, with great hope and optimism that I humbly suggest that churches, school boards and legislatures across the country embrace the teaching of Christian Gravitation, or Attractionism, as I soon hope it to be widely known. There is much work to be done, and no time to lose.

The feral toad is, on average, five foot ten inches tall. For unknown reasons, males outnumber females about ten to one. Like most toads, they tend to be round and quite soft, although this is certainly not always the case. Needless to say, feral toads are cold-blooded. Some have a kind of camouflage designed to make them blend in with their surroundings. Others have a garish orange coloration which scientists theorize is intended to help them attract toads of the opposite sex. Feral toads are often seen roaming in rural areas with loaded weapons, hunting for cats, doves and other similarly vicious creatures. A truly invasive species, the feral toad can be found in places as diverse as cities, suburbs and state legislatures. The feral toad’s most common mode of transport is the pickup truck or sport utility vehicle. Frequently this vehicle will be decorated with stickers directing the viewer to “Fear This” or “Eat My Dust.” While this may seem like harmless bravado on the part of the toad, it is advised that you keep your distance if you encounter one. As mentioned earlier, feral toads are often armed, have extremely small brains and are easily angered, making them highly dangerous. Whatever you do, do not ridicule them. They really hate it.

Ordinary citizens should take measures to protect themselves from feral toads. Still, it is often difficult to recognize them. While there is no sure way to tell that you are in the presence of a toad, or if one is living in your neighborhood, here are a few pieces of information that should be helpful:

• A feral toad is defined as one with no identification collar that fails to show friendly behavior.

• If you see a man wearing an NRA baseball hat professing a deep concern for the plight of songbirds, he is in all likelihood a feral toad.

• If Fluffy the cat escapes from the house and is never heard from again, there is a good chance he has fallen victim to a feral toad lurking in the area.

In any case, if you believe there are feral toads living near you, be sure to notify the local police or the DNR. In spite of the near total lack of charm or appeal on the part of these toads, do not shoot them. The safest and most humane way to avoid future toad problems is to have them neutered or spayed so that they do not reproduce.